AI: Top 10, 03/27/07

Here we are, folks, Top 10 night. These smiling faces you see on your television screen will be touring the nation this summer in what promises to be the most bland, boring exhibition of mediocre talent this country has ever seen. Aren't you excited? I bet your fingers are hovering above the “enter” button on your keyboards, just waiting for when Ticketmaster puts the tickets on sale. Is that laughing I hear in the distance? What do you mean, there's no way on earth you'd go see this year's class in concert? Yeah, me neither.

This week's theme, Ryan tells us, is “Songs That Inspire Gwen Stefani”. What? For real? I realize that Gwen Stefani is one of those famous hyphenates, like J Lo, in that she's a singer-actress-fashion designer, and is also married to Gavin Rossdale, lead singer of 90s band, Bush, but honestly, I am not interested in finding out what music has inspired her. Jennifer Lopez, on the other hand, is married to Marc Anthony, who suspiciously looks like a vampire, and I am infinitely curious about what inspires her. Because don't we all want to know what goes on in the gorgeous head of Jennifer Lopez? And at least J Lo looks like she's had a meal sometime in the last 48 hours, unlike Stefani, who annoys me more by the minute. Hey- you know what would be fun? To see how incredibly angry I am by the end of the show. Let's give it a point system, say 1 being “Chris Daughtry”, who is awesome and hot and should have cameras following him and Ace Young around as they write songs and possibly open up a bed and breakfast together, and 10 being “Kellie Pickler”, who now makes Dolly Parton look like a classy, uptown lady. I can't use a point system based on this year's contestants, because, let's be honest—they're all kind of annoying.

So after Ryan banters with the judges a bit, or Simon, I should say—do y'all notice that he actually rarely talks to the other judges? Anyway—Ryan talks with Simon for a bit, then he tells us all about Gwen Stefani, even though most of us over the age of 14 should know who she is, but I guess it's a contractual requirement that she get her butt kissed. OK-- I know I'm being hard on her, but don't y'all agree that it's beyond stupid for her to have her own theme when she's not even eligible to be in the Rock 'n Roll Hall of fame for another eleven years? They should give this theme to someone more deserving, like Michael Stipe or Sting, or Paul McCartney, or heck, one of the freaking BeeGees. Someone who's made more of a contribution to music that jumping up and down on stage in her track pants and sports bra. That being said, she looks really pretty tonight.

First up is Lakisha with Donna Summer's “Last Dance”. Oh, Lakisha. This is so predictable. See, I'd never pair the hooker boots with the shiny kimono dress. Also, she's kind of shaky and pitchy at the beginning of the song. Now, I am happy that's she's taken somewhat of a risk and sang and uptempo song, because I was getting very, very tired of the ballads. Overall, though, a good performance.

Wait—Gwen's not going to give them guidance? She's just going to give her opinion off camera and let them fawn over her on camera? Oh, suck. Now I don't get to use my awesome point system. Oh, I know! I'll apply it to the contestants themselves. OK, so Lakisha gets a 9, for Paris levels of talent, but also hubris.

Some chick from Nevada asks Chris Sligh what he does in his down time. He answers funnily, of course, saying that he knits (Me too! Well, I used to, but then kind of gave up for no particular reason, but I think I should take it up again.), crochets, and plays bongos in his boxer shorts. After Ryan attempts to be funny, Chris Sligh answers seriously that he likes to sleep. ME TOO! “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” is his choice and well...hmm...it's not great. This is a difficult song to sing, and the beat is strange. He's not doing a great job with it, and is ahead of the music all the time. He then explains that it was like a “master class in theory”, and makes all these other qualifying statements. Please don't confuse Randy and Paula with musical terms, Chris. Bottom Three? And also, according to the point system...6 for Mandisa, because of the obvious religious overtones, and fanbase-skewing performances.

Gina chose The Pretenders “I'll Stand By You”, which is perfect and awesome in itself—and perfect and awesome for Gina herself, because it's rocky and ballady at the same time. Just like Gina. She 's doing a really great job with the song, and I think this is one of her defining performances. She gets a 2...for Elliot Yamin levels of surprise and awesomeness.

Sanjaya is singing “Bathwater” by No Doubt, which I have never heard, and what in the name of all that is good and holy is on top of his head? He looks like some sort of bantam rooster, high on acid. And just think, y'all—ALL SUMMER those lucky concert-goers will get this. I foresee record lows in ticket sales this summer. He gets a 10, obviously. I'd give him an 11 if I could. Wait—this is my point system, isn't it? 12-- Kevin Covais levels of annoyance, without any of the funny “in on the joke” blustering. As for the song-- I refuse to comment. Other than to say that I think Simon's write off of him tonight will land him in the bottom three.

Paula looks really pretty tonight, by the way, and is moderately coherent, so good for her.

Haley chose “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. Oh, she's on the floor again, just like during Diana Ross week! Her dress is pretty, what I can see of it. I'm surprised that the Original Princess of Hooker Couture did not wear boots with this dress, although I would easily snap her in half for the shoes she's actually wearing. Her voice is really pretty, but she ruined the ending by adding those extra notes. And I agree with the judges, the performance was forgettable and boring. Bottom Three. And of course, since she is this year's Katharine McPhee, but with less vocal prowess, she gets Katharine's number—4, for the week she should have been voted off!

Phil Stacey chose every stalker's favorite song, “Every Breath You Take”. I once read a romance novel with that title, but it had nothing to do with a stalker. It also wasn't very good, unlike this rendition, which is actually pretty good. I am impressed with Phil tonight, because he really controlled his voice and the performance ,and so I will not be ugly or mean by calling him names. He gets a 3 for Taylor Hicks, because though he's not always liked by the judges, but he always puts his all into every performance.

Melinda also chose Donna Summer, oh yes she did! She threw that “Battle of the Divas” gauntlet right down in front of Lakisha, and said “Bring it, Baby!” And Lakisha had better mind her 'Ps and Qs' from now on, because Melinda certainly did bring it, singing her own upbeat version of “Heaven Knows” and singing it almost better than Donna Summer. Oh, wow...maybe I like Melinda a little. She gets an 8, for Lisa Tucker, because she was professionally and technically a very good singer—but not always invested in what she's singing. I really enjoyed this, though. It's nice to see Melinda having fun, although the hugging herself bit at the end of the judging was a little too much.

Blake Lewis chose, predictably, The Cure's “Love Song”. Now, I do love this song. And I actually like this arrangement. His voice is showcased here, not the crazy beatboxing. His clothes however, detract from his normal cuteness, because they make him look bulky and we all know he's a wee little thing. A 5, for Ace Young...because he's cute, but just not living up to the hype.

Jordin Sparks is singing “Hey Baby”, which might be No Doubt's most annoying song ever. But...WOW! Jordin has come to win, and says, “What up, Melinda and Lakisha? Don't count me out. I am young, and cute, and hip, and my voice is just as big as yours.” I am impressed. She gets a 4, for Katharine as well, but the better parts of Katharine—being a good singer, and being cute, and knowing how to put on a show.

Chris Richardson, who annoys me less and less, is singing “Don't Speak”, and I find his version less annoying than the original. I kind of like his voice. Gosh, y'all. I KNOW! I'm embarrassed, too! He gets Ace's 5, as well, because it's so incredibly obvious that Paula wants him.

You ask why no one got a one in the point system tonight? The answer is easy, of course. NO ONE IS AS AWESOME AS CHRIS DAUGHTRY. Sheesh—you people should have guessed that.

Toodles!
Josie