Tuesday, March 27, 2007

AI: Top 10, 03/27/07

Here we are, folks, Top 10 night. These smiling faces you see on your television screen will be touring the nation this summer in what promises to be the most bland, boring exhibition of mediocre talent this country has ever seen. Aren't you excited? I bet your fingers are hovering above the “enter” button on your keyboards, just waiting for when Ticketmaster puts the tickets on sale. Is that laughing I hear in the distance? What do you mean, there's no way on earth you'd go see this year's class in concert? Yeah, me neither.

This week's theme, Ryan tells us, is “Songs That Inspire Gwen Stefani”. What? For real? I realize that Gwen Stefani is one of those famous hyphenates, like J Lo, in that she's a singer-actress-fashion designer, and is also married to Gavin Rossdale, lead singer of 90s band, Bush, but honestly, I am not interested in finding out what music has inspired her. Jennifer Lopez, on the other hand, is married to Marc Anthony, who suspiciously looks like a vampire, and I am infinitely curious about what inspires her. Because don't we all want to know what goes on in the gorgeous head of Jennifer Lopez? And at least J Lo looks like she's had a meal sometime in the last 48 hours, unlike Stefani, who annoys me more by the minute. Hey- you know what would be fun? To see how incredibly angry I am by the end of the show. Let's give it a point system, say 1 being “Chris Daughtry”, who is awesome and hot and should have cameras following him and Ace Young around as they write songs and possibly open up a bed and breakfast together, and 10 being “Kellie Pickler”, who now makes Dolly Parton look like a classy, uptown lady. I can't use a point system based on this year's contestants, because, let's be honest—they're all kind of annoying.

So after Ryan banters with the judges a bit, or Simon, I should say—do y'all notice that he actually rarely talks to the other judges? Anyway—Ryan talks with Simon for a bit, then he tells us all about Gwen Stefani, even though most of us over the age of 14 should know who she is, but I guess it's a contractual requirement that she get her butt kissed. OK-- I know I'm being hard on her, but don't y'all agree that it's beyond stupid for her to have her own theme when she's not even eligible to be in the Rock 'n Roll Hall of fame for another eleven years? They should give this theme to someone more deserving, like Michael Stipe or Sting, or Paul McCartney, or heck, one of the freaking BeeGees. Someone who's made more of a contribution to music that jumping up and down on stage in her track pants and sports bra. That being said, she looks really pretty tonight.

First up is Lakisha with Donna Summer's “Last Dance”. Oh, Lakisha. This is so predictable. See, I'd never pair the hooker boots with the shiny kimono dress. Also, she's kind of shaky and pitchy at the beginning of the song. Now, I am happy that's she's taken somewhat of a risk and sang and uptempo song, because I was getting very, very tired of the ballads. Overall, though, a good performance.

Wait—Gwen's not going to give them guidance? She's just going to give her opinion off camera and let them fawn over her on camera? Oh, suck. Now I don't get to use my awesome point system. Oh, I know! I'll apply it to the contestants themselves. OK, so Lakisha gets a 9, for Paris levels of talent, but also hubris.

Some chick from Nevada asks Chris Sligh what he does in his down time. He answers funnily, of course, saying that he knits (Me too! Well, I used to, but then kind of gave up for no particular reason, but I think I should take it up again.), crochets, and plays bongos in his boxer shorts. After Ryan attempts to be funny, Chris Sligh answers seriously that he likes to sleep. ME TOO! “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” is his choice and well...hmm...it's not great. This is a difficult song to sing, and the beat is strange. He's not doing a great job with it, and is ahead of the music all the time. He then explains that it was like a “master class in theory”, and makes all these other qualifying statements. Please don't confuse Randy and Paula with musical terms, Chris. Bottom Three? And also, according to the point system...6 for Mandisa, because of the obvious religious overtones, and fanbase-skewing performances.

Gina chose The Pretenders “I'll Stand By You”, which is perfect and awesome in itself—and perfect and awesome for Gina herself, because it's rocky and ballady at the same time. Just like Gina. She 's doing a really great job with the song, and I think this is one of her defining performances. She gets a 2...for Elliot Yamin levels of surprise and awesomeness.

Sanjaya is singing “Bathwater” by No Doubt, which I have never heard, and what in the name of all that is good and holy is on top of his head? He looks like some sort of bantam rooster, high on acid. And just think, y'all—ALL SUMMER those lucky concert-goers will get this. I foresee record lows in ticket sales this summer. He gets a 10, obviously. I'd give him an 11 if I could. Wait—this is my point system, isn't it? 12-- Kevin Covais levels of annoyance, without any of the funny “in on the joke” blustering. As for the song-- I refuse to comment. Other than to say that I think Simon's write off of him tonight will land him in the bottom three.

Paula looks really pretty tonight, by the way, and is moderately coherent, so good for her.

Haley chose “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. Oh, she's on the floor again, just like during Diana Ross week! Her dress is pretty, what I can see of it. I'm surprised that the Original Princess of Hooker Couture did not wear boots with this dress, although I would easily snap her in half for the shoes she's actually wearing. Her voice is really pretty, but she ruined the ending by adding those extra notes. And I agree with the judges, the performance was forgettable and boring. Bottom Three. And of course, since she is this year's Katharine McPhee, but with less vocal prowess, she gets Katharine's number—4, for the week she should have been voted off!

Phil Stacey chose every stalker's favorite song, “Every Breath You Take”. I once read a romance novel with that title, but it had nothing to do with a stalker. It also wasn't very good, unlike this rendition, which is actually pretty good. I am impressed with Phil tonight, because he really controlled his voice and the performance ,and so I will not be ugly or mean by calling him names. He gets a 3 for Taylor Hicks, because though he's not always liked by the judges, but he always puts his all into every performance.

Melinda also chose Donna Summer, oh yes she did! She threw that “Battle of the Divas” gauntlet right down in front of Lakisha, and said “Bring it, Baby!” And Lakisha had better mind her 'Ps and Qs' from now on, because Melinda certainly did bring it, singing her own upbeat version of “Heaven Knows” and singing it almost better than Donna Summer. Oh, wow...maybe I like Melinda a little. She gets an 8, for Lisa Tucker, because she was professionally and technically a very good singer—but not always invested in what she's singing. I really enjoyed this, though. It's nice to see Melinda having fun, although the hugging herself bit at the end of the judging was a little too much.

Blake Lewis chose, predictably, The Cure's “Love Song”. Now, I do love this song. And I actually like this arrangement. His voice is showcased here, not the crazy beatboxing. His clothes however, detract from his normal cuteness, because they make him look bulky and we all know he's a wee little thing. A 5, for Ace Young...because he's cute, but just not living up to the hype.

Jordin Sparks is singing “Hey Baby”, which might be No Doubt's most annoying song ever. But...WOW! Jordin has come to win, and says, “What up, Melinda and Lakisha? Don't count me out. I am young, and cute, and hip, and my voice is just as big as yours.” I am impressed. She gets a 4, for Katharine as well, but the better parts of Katharine—being a good singer, and being cute, and knowing how to put on a show.

Chris Richardson, who annoys me less and less, is singing “Don't Speak”, and I find his version less annoying than the original. I kind of like his voice. Gosh, y'all. I KNOW! I'm embarrassed, too! He gets Ace's 5, as well, because it's so incredibly obvious that Paula wants him.

You ask why no one got a one in the point system tonight? The answer is easy, of course. NO ONE IS AS AWESOME AS CHRIS DAUGHTRY. Sheesh—you people should have guessed that.

Toodles!
Josie

7 comments:

Marnie said...

Thanks Josie! Another great review of the show. I am still digesting it all. What was up with Jordin's outfit? I found it embarrassingly awful! Also, what happened to Gwen's lips? They were thin and white...she always wears that MAC red. Maybe she was trying to look like a serious musician? Anyway, I thought her guidance was lame, she said the same thing for practically all the singers, stick to the melody.

Sanjaya needs a psychiatric evaluation!

josiegirl77 said...

Thank you, Marnie! Although I have to disagree with you about Jordin's outfit. While I wouldn't wear it, I found it quite age-appropriate, right down to the earrings.

And I do think Gwen was going for that "serious musician" look. I wasn't buying it.

As for Sanjaya...words have failed me.

Laurie said...

Hey Josie - You are doing such a great job recapping. I get so caught up in your writing that I can almost believe I am reading something like "Entertainment Weekly" magazine. Keep up the good work. My feelings on your choices do differ a bit, but I am older and of course my views will differ from your younger opinion. Due to my age, I am seeking well polished performances that I would enjoy listening to on the radio. And, I don't mean to seem defiant about what you write at all. Again, love your work!

For me, I totally agree with Simon. Sanjaya is in his on little world. But you know what I think is happening? He is getting so full of himself that his little fan base will start dwindling and he will finally be going home soon. I don't know if it will be tonight or not, but soon.

My fav's differ each week depending on their song, but of course I have my top 4, who are Melinda, Phil, Hailey and Sligh. I vote for them every time.

Last week, Melinda was my favorite and of course last night she did an outstanding job. I believe she will be this year's winner.

But, last night my fav was Phil. He has that smooth, full, rich voice that I love. It is kind of like drinking Starbucks with just the right amount of Splenda (not at all too sweet and not at all too bitter) and cream. You know, just SMOOTH.

I still like Sligh, even though he didn't do a very good job last night. I voted for him because I believe that he is better than that and deserves to stay in the running for a bit longer. And since Sundance was so unfairly voted off, Sligh is my wild card.

I think Haley did a nice job. I love "True Colors". I thought her voice was crisp and clear. And face it y'all, she is beautiful. I think even more so than K. McPhee.

I also thought Gina did a great job last night. She got a vote from me as well.

My predictions for tonight's bottom 3:
Sanjaya (Go home please)
Chris R. (His little whiny voice annoys me)
Jordin (Too young, no experience, too enthusiastic and I didn't enjoy her performance or voice last night.)

josiegirl77 said...

Aww, Laurie! You're making me blush! Thank you so much for the kind compliments. I really do enjoy writing this for y'all. And no, I never, ever take offense to a differing opinion--that's what makes us all special and wonderful, you know!

I do agree that Sligh deserves a second chance after last night, and if he lands in the Bottom Three, he certainly won't be going home. It will be his Bo Bice wake-up call, a la Season 4. That being said, I think Haley will go home, and Sanjaya's 15 minutes will be up next week. I think that boy has stumbled into some drugs or something. He is not who he was when he auditioned!

Also, I do not think that Melinda will win, though she certainly deserves to do so. I think she will be voted out in the Top 4, much like Tamyra, LaToya London, and Chris Daughtry. I think Jordin is our winner because she's skews young and has a very commercial look and voice.

And yeah, Bat Boy did real good last night. Sheesh. *grins*

Gosh--I love discussing this stuff with y'all!

Marnie said...

Okay I guess Jordin's outift was "age appropriate" but didn't it echo a little bit of Britney? She looked kind of fat in it too. That siad, I like Jordin a lot and she did bring it last night.

My first vote last night went for Chris R. I know some folks don't like Chris, but there is a sort of Bad Boy and sweet at the same time about him that I secretly love. Plus, I thought he was awesome last night.

I also voted for Blake...I thought he has a very versatile voice and his song made the hair on my arms dance. hehe.

My third vote went for GINA GINA GINA. She was awesome last night and Josie you are right, the Pretenders was great for her voice.

I do want to comment on Phil Stacey. Originally I really liked him, but now he gives me the creeps. He just looks a little too macabre at me, like someone out of a psychological drama or thriller. He has a nice voice tho.

Okay, nuff for now... back to work girls!

Tiff said...

Am I the only one who is annoyed by Gina's voice? I dont think she can sing well at all! This year def pales in comparison to last year. But i guess we shouldnt live in the past.

Stefani? Really? Please! And I thought a BeeGee was gonna be on the show this year?

Thanks, Josie, for all the Chris and Ace references this week. They are my boys and I would so visit their Bed and Breakfast regularly.

Speaking of Chris, I know you are all about to HATE me and I dont wanna rub it in(...YES I DO YES I DO) BUT I will be making a trip to HOB on May 27th to see his pretty little face! Im awesome I know!

Love ya Josie!

-Dorkasaurus

josiegirl77 said...

This year definitely pales in comparison, but we are going to have to agree to disagree about Gina. She and Jordin are my favorite girls, and while Lakisha and Melinda never surprise me with their song choices, Gina and Jordin consistently choose songs no one expects.

OK, so maybe The Pretenders WAS expected from Gina, but that's like saying Live is expected from Chris. NOT THAT I AM COMPARING THE TWO IN ANY WAY, YOU KNOW MY LOVE FOR CHRIS OMG! *laughs*