So, it's the finale. FINALLY, it's the finale. Simon's bored, Randy's bored, we're bored. The whole world is bored with this season. Heck, Jordin and Blake are bored, and they're the finalists! The only people who don't look bored are Ryan and Paula. Ryan doesn't look bored, because, well, he loves the spotlight. Paula's not bored because she's got the voices in her head to keep her entertained.
Ryan tells us what a strenuous week the finalists have had. Sure, sure, picking songs and practicing for the finale—that's hard work. But getting fittings at Bagdley Mischka? Please. That's every little girl's dream.
The first duet of the night? Jordin and Blake singing “I Saw Her Standing There”, which means that Michael Jackson must have finally relinquished his grip on The Beatles catalog. Them singing together just isn't natural; it feels awkward, and ti doesn't help that their voices are tired, and Blake's having a hard time finding his note. Their little act together is cute, though.
Our Master of Ceremonies is back, patching in Gwen Stefani from the “Idol Gives Back” cutting room floor, and is wearing a satin diaper. Yikes. I'm not kidding, y'all. That is one ugly dress, which is what I'm assuming Stefani is calling it. It looks like she's wrapped herself up in a bed sheet and stapled it into a dress, like maybe she woke up late and only had time for hair and makeup before taking a Walk of Shame. At least her hair and makeup look nice. Girlfriend has got a way with eyeliner and lipstick. The song sounded like every other Gwen Stefani song.
Ryan takes us to our first commercial break of the night. The first of five million.
And we're back! Ryan's standing at big clear podium, introducing Kelly Clarkson, the best Idol ever, singing “Never Again”. Have y'all seen this video? It's way strange, although I do dig the Alanis-meets-dance music vibe of this song. Also, I know that Kelly has a better voice than this, and I'm beginning to think there are serious sound problems. That dress is doing nothing for her figure, though she has got one righteous booty. I bet her trainer must be proud.
Oh, there's the corpse of Clive Davis. And Jeff Foxworthy.
Are they really doing Golden Idols again this year? It was pretty lame last year, bordering on mean-spirited. I'm not giving it the pleasure of an audience, so I'm skipping those segments.
Top 6 guys are dressed all in white and singing “Ooh Baby Baby”, and it's just as bad as you'd imagine it could be, because Sanjaya starts off, then goes to Sligh who needs a haircut like whoa, then Phil, then Brandon, who I forgot was in this competition. Then Smokey Robinson comes out and sings one of the best songs ever, “Being With You”, another song I totally wanted to sing should I have ever been blessed enough to get in the compeition. And the guys are all doo-wopping behind him, right through “Tears of A Clown”. Smokey has always looked kind of creepy, and he just keeps looking weirder all the time. Sligh again, Richardson, and Sanjaya (again?) all get solos. What a horrible medley. Just think, folks, their coming to a stadium near you!
Back from the break, Ryan pimps the “Great American Band” contest. Hey—I've got the vocals..anyone want to join up who can play an instrument? Ooh, Tiff...we could do like “Heart” and have two singers!
Blake beat boxes with Doug E. Fresh, and we are certainly transported to LA in the mid 80s. How modern. I half expected Jordin to come out breakdancing in an asymmetrical top, neon leggings, and sweatbands. Excuse me while I roll my eyes. This is cheesy, even for me. Ryan even makes fun of them, brining out the Justin and Kelly jokes.
Ryan pimps the Tour, and introduces the Top 6 girls. Jordin starts off with “Grapevine,” Gina cut her hair again, then Stephanie who is truly better than what she got, then Haley who I'm already tired of with her shiny legs, then Lakisha and Melinda take the stage, and show them how to sing. Gladys Knight comes out and puts them all to shame, singing some song I've never heard, and makes everyone cry she's so awesome. Maybe it was just me who was crying. I couldn't really tell. When she starts off “Midnight Train”, I start to miss Paris-- Bennett, not Hilton. That really says something for this season's scope of talent, Jordin and Melinda notwithstanding.
Constantine mugs it up behind Ryan. Take a shower, dude. It's called conditioner—look into it. Tony Bennett comes out and sings “For Once In My Life”, and I always thought that this was a Stevie Wonder song. Bennett is tearing this up, practically shouting at us that “THIS IS MINE, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT” before they roll him out to the crypt. I promise, Tony, I won't take it. I will leave it right where you left it, and it will be in that same spot waiting for you when you rise again tomorrow night, so you and Phil Stacy can roam the countryside, looking for unsuspecting victims.
American Idol makes one of Melinda's dreams come true, by allowing her to sing with BeBe and CeCe Winans. That dress is not flattering, though. I think she should have borrowed some Spanks, too.. She is grinning from ear to ear, like when Elliot sang with Mary J. Blige last year, not that I would blame her, EVER. I love Melinda's conviction, she's banging it out on every note. She FEELS it.
The final pimpmericial for Season 2007: a mishmash of bloopers set to “Time After Time”. Kinda cheesy. The vocals are good, though.
Jordin is very pretty in her pink dress, and Blake looks nice in his black. AND they both get Mustangs! Yeah, I know it happened last year, and probably the year before that. Give me a break, people—I;m trying to keep it fresh in this black hole of entertainment.
Carrie Underwood, live and looking much too thin, sings “I'll Stand By You”. Four AI performances in three years—that's quite a record. Not that AI is biased towards one of their Idols, are they? She's such a gifted singer, but she has no emotion. AND she's wearing a freaking evening gown over jeans. I mean, really, Carrie.
Clive Davis crawls up on stage and makes the report on how awesome all the Season Five contestants are, but Daughtry is his favorite. Then he goes on to pat all of AI on it's collective back for discorvering Jennifer Hudson and Fantasia Barrino and all the other awesome people they've met. He then practically asks Carrie Underwood to marry him because she's made him so much money, and when joined with his money, they will make the ultimate Supercouple. And she's still wearing jeans!
More Idol gives back hookah, with the African Children's Choir, who I'm pretty sure were lipsynching to Josh Groban, but I think they're live tonight. This is better than signing with Josh Groban, plus they have mad shoulder action.
A blip about great visionaries turns into a honorarium to Sanjaya singing with Joe Perry, who obviously owes someone money. They've got the freaking wind machines on him (Sanjaya, not Joe Perry) as he sings “You Got Me Going” and it's just as bad as it ever was, GOD. Joe Perry just stands there awesomely and plays his guitar, knowing that he could wipe the floor with this skinny kid. Oh, that girl is crying again. I'm going to go vomit. Call me when it's over.
Green Day performs, and I was over them in 1997. I'm sick of the political mumbo-jumbo, so I'm just going to tune out and replay something awesome in my head, like last year's finale. (la dee dum dum, Don't stop thinking about tomorrow, don't stop, 'cause it'll soon be here; it'll be better than before, cause yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone, ooh, don't ya look back....oh, ha ha, Kellie Pickler with Wolfgang Puck, making her try lobster and escargot, and how neither of them can understand the other, with their crazy accents...la dee dah dum..) They're still playing? Ugh, this has gone on FOREVER.
Taylor takes the stage, telling the Powers That Be to kiss his behind; he's going to sing his song the way he recorded it. He begins to sing “Heaven Knows”, and I could hear Laurie scream from here. Note to Blake: That's a performer. I mean, I know he hasn't been as successful commercially as Daughtry or Carrie, but you can't deny his talent or his love of the music and performing. The crowd still loves him.
Jordin and Reuben sing a duet, “You're All I Need To Get By”. Gosh, but I love that dress. I would look great in that dress. Yeah, he hasn't changed. Still smiling through every song. He does have a good voice. It's a fun, energetic song, and she is selling it right to the cheap seats, which is why she deserves to win, not that I would ever press my opinion on to y;all.
Bette Midler. “The Wind Beneath my Wings”? Really? Puke and vomit. She looks nice, though, and her voice is always perfect, except tonight, because she sounds like crap. But there have been better songs, Bette. I mean, you almost made Jerry Springer cry.
American Idol's tribute to The Beatles' album, “Sergeant Pepper's”. Kelly Clarkson and Joe Perry, who are still awesome, both of them, start off the medley with “Yellow”. Taylor Hicks, who sang The Beatles better last season comes next, and his shirt is nice and shiny. Not cheesy shiny. Carrie Underwood who is wearing a pretty black dress, and who's voice is not suited for Beatles is next, and Reuben singing “Lucy In The Sky”?
The Top 12 peform “A Little Help From My Friends”. This group has no tune together. They're all soloists, and not singing as a group. Yeah, the tour is going to be Great.
And the results? Jordin Sparks, which we all knew, anyway. Well played, Jordin. You've been consistently great and surprising all season, even if you did wear jeans under dresses. Congratulations!
Last, but not least, I dedicate my final American Idol recap of the season to Richie, who has been more than supportive through this season. He's stayed up with me while I typed, was the sounding board for my ideas, and gave me one or three cute catchphrases to use. I love you!
See y'all in January!