Well, y'all, I am further convinced that Season Six is just a rehashing of Season Three. Why do I say this, you ask? Because in Season Three, they had a "Gloria Estefan" theme, and tonight's theme is “Latin Music”. It promises to be just as boring, because none of these kids has the sex appeal and flavor needed to sing Latin music. Remember Diana Ross night? Yep, it's going to be THAT boring, because none of them really had the fabulosity of Diana Ross to correctly carry a Diana Ross tune.
Tonight's mentor is Jennifer Lopez, who I hope will be as fabulous a mentor as Diana was on Top 12 night. I can't wait for the showdown between Lopez and Lakisha, who will inevitably ask for a suggestion and then throw it away like last week's copy of TV Guide. Oh, wait, no, not TV Guide. The Idols were on the cover last week. She'll save that one in her hope chest. Hmm... she'll drop it like last month's copy of Vogue. But...does anyone throw away their back issues of Vogue? Not me, that's for sure. Gosh, I'll really have to get back to y'all on this one. But know this--Lakisha won't listen to a word Jennifer Lopez has to say to her. And I wish I could see the tape that ended up on the cutting room floor. Weave and wigs flying!
I'm really kind of super excited about Lopez being a guest mentor. Remember me talking about her during Gwen Stefani week? She's a classic multitasker, starting off as an actress and slowly branching out into music and fashion, managing to marry a vampire, and look completely beautiful all the time. Yeah, she's going to be fabulous, and not irrelevant like Gwennie-pooh. I'd love to see her snatch somebody up, SANJAYA, but we know it's not going to happen. A girl can dream, though, right? On with the show!
La Lopez (who looks totally gorgeous tonight) tells Melinda to throw the naive shtick out the window and really be sexy with this song. Melinda listens to her advice about as much as Lakisha would, and completely mugs her way through “Sway” by Celia Cruz. I was all ready to jump Melinda for choosing a Latin-flavored Michael Buble song, but then I Googled it and realized that he covered the song. I mean, sure, it's great, but all her performances are great. I'd like to agree with Simon, in that at this point, she really needs to up the ante on her performances, but who is her real competition? Jordin and Lakisha? I'd say Jordin, actually. Melinda looks great, though. Another dress I'd totally rock.
Ryan has a fan question for Lakisha and asks her what made her try out for American Idol. She said that it was simple—she wanted to make a better life for her daughter. I certainly cannot blame her for that, and she gets major props from trying to escape the hell of being a banking. She's singing “Conga”, which is cheesy but I love it, and remember dancing with my sister and cousin in our playroom to all the Miami Sound Machine songs. Jennifer is trying to tell her that the rhythm should carry her through that song—not much movement is needed. Of course, Lakisha says, 'Whatev, J. Lo, I'm doing my own thing and shaking what my mama gave me,' and shimmies through the whole song, making her completely breathless. And I hate to pull a Paula, but that dress totally fits that song.
Oh, snap. Chris Richardson totally fell back into my good graces by singing Carlos Santana's duet with Rob Thomas, “Smooth”. I love this song, y'all. Its one of those songs that makes you want to stand on a table and dance. La Lopez is being really helpful to Chris, and it's nice to hear her talk about keys and directing the pianist to change the song for Chris. The rehearsal sounds really good. The performance, however... oh, no Chris! This ain't good. Man. I was so excited, too. It started off rocky, and just kept getting worse. YOU ARE OUT OF MY GOOD GRACES. The band, though, is awesome. But the judges loved it. I mean, am I just being hard on him because this is one of my favorite songs? And he seems like such a nice fellow, like he would walk little old ladies across the street in the rain and stuff. Oh, I'm so conflicted!
Haley is singing “Turn the Beat the Around” and Jennifer totally tells us in so many words that Haley has no rhythm, so she brings Blake in to supply rhythm. AWESOME. Haley tries to compensate for her lack of rhythm by completely tarting her look up, and coming out on stage half naked again, which Simon calls her “strategy”, and I call “hoochie”. To each our own, I guess. She also took the time to oil up her legs, like she's in the running for Miss Hawaiian Tropic and not American Idol. Although at this point, is there really any difference? The lights are great, and so are her shoes, and the band is really outdoing itself tonight. But Haley? No, no, no.
Phil is singing “Maria, Maria” by Santana. Jennifer is so fabulous, that Phil cannot concentrate on his singing during rehearsals. Probably cause he's hoping that he looks undead enough to attract La Lopez. No dude, she likes full, thick hair. The vocal is gorgeous at the performance, I have to admit. And I know that I am not the biggest Phil fan, but I will be the first to congratulate him when he does a good job. And y'all—he's done a great job tonight. If he goes home after this wonderful performance, I will actually be upset. He's really using his voice in the right places, making the song work for him, instead of the song working him over, HALEY. The judges completely got it wrong with his performance.
Jordin's question from the audience is “If you chose the theme, what would it be?” She chooses what would be my choice, 80s music. Because 80s music is great and cheesy, just like this show. She's singing “The Rhythm is Gonna Getcha”, and immediately tells Melinda and Lakisha to pack their bags, with one gorgeous flick of her eyebrow. Oh, y'all, she is just too good, although I agree that no one has grown tonight, and tried to show us a different side to them. But I am telling you that she is going to win this competition. MARK MY WORDS, readers!
Blake Lewis is singing Marc Anthony's “I Need To Know”, and Jennifer looks like she maybe wants to marry Blake. Has she confused him with her husband? Because honestly, Blake looks like he's been outside during the day and doesn't drink blood. I like the rendition, but it could be that I just don't care for the song. I don't think it has anything to do with Blake, actually. He usually does a great job with any song he chooses, and puts his own spin on it, and can make it sound modern.
The Thing That Killed American Idol is singing last, and chose “Me Sa Me Mucho” or something. I have no clue. Honestly, I could care less. God, it's grown facial hair and has curled his hair Shirley Temple-style, and is ruining a song in two languages. Is it Season Seven yet? I do have to applaud the judges, trying that new strategy of “praising him so that people will think he's safe and stop voting”. Way to go, judges!