AI Auditions: Memphis, TN 01/23/2007

While getting ready for work this morning, I was listening to pandora.com, which is a personalized radio station built around one song or artist that you put into the database. I put Sugarland into my Country radio station, and after "Want To" went off, this other kicky little song starts to play. The voice seemed familiar, but I just couldn't place it. After finishing my makeup, I went to turn off the computer, when what do my eyes tell me? That kicky little song was sung by none other the Kellie Pickler! Share my shame, readers! Share my shame! SHAME!

One thing I ccan say about the Pick is that at least she has personality, ehich is more than I can say for anyone who has auditioned thus far. Tonight, the gang is in Memphis, Tennessee, and hopefully Tommy Mottola will not be there to maul any of the young ladies. Who knows? We may even get to see some talent.

Y'all--THIS is American Idol.

Let's start with who's Going to Hollywood. I missed the first couple of auditions, due to my inability to shut my mouth, because I was talking with my friend Beth. Friendship before television, right? But Richie told me that I missed the awesomely-named "Sundance Head". I asked if he was Native American, and Richie said no. His parents were hippies. Oh, sweet baby Jesus, thank you for this name. It shall thrill me for days to come. Richie could not remember the name of the song that our hippie friend sang, but he did say that Sundance "ripped that song a new one". Apparently, Simon thought so, too, because he said that he could sing circles around Taylor (don't be mad, Mandy and Laurie!).

Also going to Hollywood is Daniela McCullough. The most memorable thing about her was her strange haircut. Her voice was good, but I honestly would not have remembered that she sang Aretha Franklin's "Baby I Love You" if I hadn't written down. Now, that's not to say that she was not a good singer; I thought she had a lovely tone to her voice. I just think she hasn't shown me enough yet to really become a fan.

Sean Michel really surprised me in a good way. He looks like Fidel Castro, but sang Johnny Cash's "God's Gonna Cut You Down" like awesome. I mean, I don't think I would have known it was a Johnny Cash song if he hadn't told the judges. I mean, sure, he needs a haircut, but wow--that boy sure can sing.

I didn't get her last night, but I really like Melinda the Insecure Backup Singer (tm). Simon told her "one million percent yes", and from what I heard, I really couldn't agree with him more. But gosh--confidence sure is key in this competition, so girlfriend needs to step it up when she gets to Hollywood, or she could be eaten alive by more charismatic singers.

Finally is proud papa Philip Stacey. His voice is interesting but not great. Like Simon, I find that he starts his songs off very strangely. I don't know if I've ever heard anything like it before. I don't really see him making it to the Top 24, but if he does, I feel that I will grow weary of him very quickly.

Ah, yes, we've come to the part where we discuss who is Going Home. Travis McKinney was so bad that he gave Randy the shakes. And if what he did was supposed to be an "emotional" performance, when did I miss "epileptic" becoming an emotion? *sigh* And WHY OH WHY *raising my hands to the heavens* are these people encouraged by their families, telling them "There's always next year!"? Please, PLEASE for the love of God and all the children in the world, if I suck, please tell me! Though my feelings may be hurt, I'll be OK in the long run. PROMISE.

Also going home is Christopher "revenge fantasy-Paula stalker" McCain. He sang Footloose, which is in and of itself a joke song. I kind of feel bad for him, like maybe he really misses his wife, and this is a desperate plead for her love, so it feels kind of cruel for me to laugh at his tuneless voice. Seriously. He might be tonedeaf.

Apparently, words (and breasts) are weapons for Janita Burks, who completely slaughters the already awesomely horrific "Disco Inferno". Richie said that she needed a harness, and that there was an obvious reason why she was wearing those sunglasses tonight. Someone might have gotten hurt. But honestly, you've got to give props to a girl who thinks that wearing a poorly supported black halter with inappropriate cutouts in the stomach/breast area is "conservative and sexy. Very sexy." Well played, Janita. Well played.

I'd like to end with Robert Holmes, who sang "Burning Love", but I don't think it's appropriate to make fun of the mentally challenged, which is obviously what American Idol did tonight. What a disappointing end to an otherwise enjoyable show.

Tomorrow, our favorite cheesy show is in New York City, where we are sure to see some truly fascinating freaks.

Toodles!