Something's got to give.

I am so proud of myself. It's 1 o'clock pm, and I just ate my first meal of the day. It was a piece of cubed steak that I made for dinner last night and a two tablespoons of collards. I really savored those collards, too. They were really delicious. The last time I ate was 9 last night. I did have a cup of coffee this morning (only 6 oz.), but after my SlimQuick pills and the required 8 oz. of water. I didn't have time to eat breakfast (hallelujah for running late!), but I've been drinking water ever since I got to work this morning, and so far, I'm up to 64 oz., which is the daily requirement. I wonder how many I can drink in one day? Just sitting here typing, I've already managed to drink 8 more ounces. I'm doing so well!

I've read in more than one place that Americans often mistake thirst for hunger. Maybe that's my problem. I think that I'm hungry, but really, I'm just thirsty. Well, we can fix that, can't we? I'll just keep drinking ice water (which helps the metabolism burn faster) until the so-called hunger pains go away!

I look at myself in the mirror and all I feel is disgust. I'm so sick of wearing double digits, and worrying that people are going to mistake my fat for pregnancy, and nothing makes you feel worse than being asked when the baby's due, when in fact you're just a size 18 and flabby. I'm tired of being too ashamed to wear shorts or sleeveless tops. I'm sick of lumps, bumps, and fat. I don't want to look like a Lane Bryant store walking. I'm sick of my stupid fat body.

I'm going to be thin. Clothes are cuter and less expensive when you're thin, and the fabric drapes better on the body.

What I really don't understand is the "why" of it all. Why haven't I lost any weight? You're supposed to lose weight after having a baby. That was five years ago, and I've gained. I'm only 29, and I don't get to sit down to eat. I'm constantly moving at work and home. It's not like I'm sedentary. There are children to be fed and washed and put to bed. There are clothes and dishes that need to be washed, and rooms that have to be vacuumed and dusted. When I'm not sleeping from midnight to 6, I'm moving, and yet I weigh 200 lbs.

Shouldn't I be able to burn this fat? Maybe I shouldn't blog at my lunchtime anymore, and use the time to exercise.