Tuesday, May 23, 2006

American Idol Season Five Finale 05/23/2006

Two hours tonight, folks! Two filler-packed hours all building up to the last five minutes when Ryan will annouce the 2006 American Idol.

Hey--that's Carrie! Oh, it's kind of like a pageant, with last year's winner coming back to crown the new American Idol. Hey--here's Taylor! I say, based on this alone, that he's going to win. Now here's Kat, and they're all dressed in white. And singing something about rain. Well, they really shouldn't be wearing white if they're going to be standing out in the rain. Oh--now here's all the Top Twelve! And a choir! And they're dressed all in black! Oh, finale night, how I love thee. This is the best finale opener EVER.


Ryan's walks out on stage, and he's all in black AND white, channeling the Beatle's 1964 Ed Sullivan Show appearance. All he needs is some screaming girls. Oh, wait. He does have those. Blah, blah, blah, prattling on about how far they've come...thousands of auditions across the country..blah, blah, blah...we know this! We've been here since January 17!

He announces the judges, and they're all in black and white--I get it, it's a theme! Good for them, good for me, good for all of us, we're all united and spiffy together. Yay! And the judges get their own montages, complete with theme song. Randy gets my favorite Queen song of ALL TIME--"Another One Bites The Dust", and only highlighted by saying "dude" and "dawg". Oh, wait--that's what he's done ALL SEASON. Actually, EVERY SEASON, but what are you going to do? That's Randy. Asking him to speak correctly is like asking Paula to come off her meds.

Speaking of The Medicated Wonder, her theme song is "So Emotional". "Comfortably Numb" is more like it. But they show Paula laughing, they show her crying, they show her beating up poor Simon. Ha, ha--she's got her "sane" face on tonight for the fianle.

And finally, in what may be the funniest of the judges' montages, is Simon with "Do You Think I'm Sexy". I'm smiling despite myself at the sight of Simon cupping his man-boobs, because you know he looks in the mirror everyday and says to himself, "You are one sexy beast."

The ridiculous excuse for us to see past contestants, I mean, the Hometown crowd shots give us the O'Donohue twins in Birmingham, where they profess that they are "feeling the love". I bet they are. It also gives us another Final Four Shockingly Eliminated Contestant--Tamyra Gray, who is at Universal Studios in Hollywood, spreading the MCPheever. Oh, Tamyra. You're above this!

And now my favorite part--the tour preview. We start off with Paris singing some song I've never heard of with Al Jerroe. Her voice is surprisingly pain-free, but Al was a little off at the beginning of his scats. His bad. Paris's hair is all cute and bouncy, like when she got booted off, but that's counteracted by a glittery shorts/bustier combo. Ah, Paris. If Kat is the Queen of Sartorial Disasters, you are certainly the Crown Princess.


Apparently, to make the occasion more formal, the producers have expanded Ryan's small glass stand to a large glass podium. He must feel so special.

Ooh--it's Chris! And he's singing with Live! He must be in heaven. Seeing Chris again, I certainly am, as well as the crowd, because they go absolutely nuts when he begins to sing. I wonder if he's still pissed about his premature elimination? I know I am. That's right, it's not about me. I forget sometimes. Ha, ha--now Chris and the dude from Live are having a rock-boy sing off. I think the dude from Live is winning, because he breaks out the falsetto, and Chris backs off. He's all "Whoa, dude, that's Ace's territory. I'm the king of the scowl." They sound really nice together. *sniffle* We miss you, Chrissy-poo! But we'll be in line to buy your CD.

More filler! This time it's a battle of the indiscernable accents, with Kellie Pickler and Wolfgang Puck going head to head. Wolfie has a pretty good sense of humor (or so I've seen on the Food Network), and he's going to need it to get through a conversation with The Pickle. She got her hair cut and the style is very pretty on her. I still think she would do well with some lowlights, though. Is it sad to say that I loved watching her eat the snails? And then lie about it while the discarded napkin is laying on the floor? Priceless.

Meatlof? With McPhee? This has disaster written all over it, and when McPhee rewatches this, she's gonna be MAJORLY pissed. Because Meatloaf has decided to reinvent himself as a bullfighter, carrying around his red hankerchief. AND he's very offkey. Regional auditions off-key. I actually feel sorry for Katharine, because it's obvious that's she really trying to put on a great show, and Meatloaf is still playing the role of Eddie from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in his mind. Kat's black dress and stilettos are gorgeous, though. I'd wear that myself. You know, if I was about 50 pounds slimmer. But I guess when you're trying to sing a song with Meatloaf while he's prancing around the stage like he's in a real bullfight, you'd better darned sure you look good.

Yikes--a shot of McPhee MomBoobs! Look away! Look away! For the love of your eyes--LOOK AWAY!

Ooh--Angel! I mean Booth. I mean, David Boreanaz, who cannot sing. AT ALL. But is still a very handsome man with a cute little boy. I'm sorry. Where was I?

Oh, that's right--MORE FILLER. This time, they're reshowing footage from the auditions. I'm sorry. I cannot sit through this again. We saw these people for three months. I'm going to excuse myself momentarily from the recap and replay Chris' performance with Live.

**lalala..she's a mystery....lalala...oh, Chris has pretty eyes, but he looks so angry.....lalala, mysteryyyyyyyyy***

It's over? Yay! Oh, no. We're back with Puck 'N' Pickler. Maybe I should excuse myself again. No, no. I'm a big girl. I can sit through this. I hate to say this, but I'm with Kellie. As much as I love lobster, I don't think that I would want one crawling over my dinner table. She's freaking out, folks. Maybe Paula should slip her something from the medicine cabinet she carries in her purse.

Yay! A group sing, and it's the boys! This is what finale night is all about. Look, Tiffany, Ace is still pretty, but alas, STILL lacking in talent. Bless his heart. And there's little Kevy--still puppy cute. And Bucky took a shower just for us tonight, and is all Jessica Simpsoned out--all he needs is a fake tan. Chris is back, and here's our first glimpse of Elliott--boy can still sing. And of course, this would not be complete without Taylor breaking out the harmonica. I'm telling y'all--he is so winning this thing. And they've got Bucky, Taylor, and Chris all singing together--and Ace, Kevy, and Elliott? That's not good. WIll they forever deny us the joy of hearing Chris, Taylor, and Elliott singing together? I feel slighted. How sweet--Chris is smiling and dancing to Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow". That's right, Chris. Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone. Be happy!

COMMERCIALS, followed by PIMPMERCIAL, which is actually very sweet and makes me all nostalgic. And Ryan's awarding them a Mustang? I want a Mustang! That's right, it's Kat and Taylor up there, not me. I forget sometimes.

More Golden Idol crap. I take that back. It's about the contestant's parents and significant others. Elliott's mom, Kat's dad, Chris's wife. Airing this right after the pimpmercial, it makes me want to cry, and suddenly I'm hearing Ace singing "Tonight I Wanna Cry", but it is soon dissolved when Elliott comes out and starts to sing "One Love". With Mary J. Blige! That is definitely something I never thought I'd see--Elliott and Mary J. singing U2 together. Mary J. is rocking this crap out, and Elliott's all swirly and fanboying out on her from the edge of the stage. He's loving it like Cathryn loves a Happy Meal. One of my favorite performances of the night.


Carrie Underwood was back to remind us that she was on this stage just one year ago, singing "Don't Forget To Remember Me". I'm sure we won't. As far as the winner's first CDs go, Carrie's is not half-bad. It's a little on the saccharine side, but it's better than Ruben's. Or Fantasia's. Poor Bo. I'd like to see him tonight. I wonder if he's bitter?

More awards. Who cares?

Taylor is singing "In The Ghetto", one of his signature performances. With Toni Braxton? WTF? Toni Braxton is not only completely mumbling all the words, she is also wearing a nightie she stole from Eva Longoria's wardrobe from Desperate Housewives. Poor, poor Eva. And poor, poor Taylor for having to sing with The Thing That Used to Be Toni Braxton.


In what is surely a sign of the Apocalypse, Katharine McPhee is singing Shania Twain. Now she's leading others in the singing of Shania Twain. Why are these crimes against humanity being committed? Shame, too, because the song is perfect for Katharine. Its all in her range and not making her screechy. Kellie's wearing her space cowboy ensemble from "Bohemian Rhapsody", Melissa has apparently jumped straight off the pole at The Pink Pony, because all she could find to put on was a glittery black halter and some black twill cargo gauchos. Lisa is STILL boring, but Paris is rocking "Natural Woman". They're even singing Chaka Khan just for Mandisa! Man, oh man, do I love finale night group sings!

More Golden Idol ridiculousness. This time it's "Best Impersonation" or whatever. Michael Sandecki "won" and is doing his impersonation of Clay Aiken, who in turn surprises us all with his impersonation of Pee Wee Herman. Boy can still sing, though. So they're dueting on Elton John's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me". I could make lots of jokes about the sexual orientation of CLay, Michael, and Elton, and the fact that they are singing a song with the words "go down on me", but I'm above that. I'll let you make your own jokes. I'm free-hearted that way.


And we're back to the BESTEST GROUP SING EVAH! It's a medley of Burt Bacharach songs, and somewhere, Austin Powers is smiling. Me, I'm getting a toothache, 'cause this ain't my style. Taylor, because he is totally winning, starts us off again with "What The World Needs Now" and it's under his range. McPhee joins him, but no one notices, because Ace The Pretty begins singing "The Look of Love" with stripper extraordinaire Melissa McGhee. Ace The Pretty sounds very good on this song, but of course, I am concerned for Melissa and her inability to remember words. (I know, it was cheap. But I did give y'all a good Clay Aiken joke earlier, so give me a break!) Kellie twangs it up on "Never Fall In Love Again", but she looks very pretty in her pink Marilyn-style dress. Bucky sounds perfect in "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head". You can understand the words and everything. I am so proud of Bucky and his blown-out hair. "Say A Little Prayer" w/ Mandisa is strange, because she lets the backup singers do a lot of the work for her, but it makes her look like she doesn't know the words.

Wow--what a long paragraph! They're still singing the Bacharach medley, and since the producers don't know what to do with Lisa, they give her some song that sounds like it was written for a Broadway show and stick her in front of the piano. Now Elliott's tearing it up on "A House Is Not A Home", and Paula's going crazy. And in other "made-for-you" moments, we have Kevin Covais singing "What's New Pussycat?", complete with bobbing background singers. Priceless. That was the highlight of the SEASON for me. OK, other than Chris singing "Higher Ground" and Pickler getting voted off in the blessed sixth round. And they've got Chris teaming up with some of the other guys on the "Theme From Arthur"? Crap. He doesn't even get his own solo. Paris is singing again--this time she brings The Pain on a very jazzy arrangement of "Close To You". Ah! Who is that walking up on stage? It's Dionne Warwick's reanimated corpse! Yikes--she literally looks like Night of The Living Dead, and I fear that one of her eyeballs might fall out. Her voice is nice, but Kat and Taylor look like they're afraid she might eat their brains if they get to close. And that last note she hit? Deader than Dionne herself.


One more frakking award. This one is about Male Bonding. Guess what, Ry-Ry? I don't care. Actually, I don't know if anyone in America cares. Oh--is that Chris and Ace hugging? Maybe I care a little.

Prince? Is that the Real Prince? The actual Purple One himself? Oh, I bet American Idol paid him LOTS of money to appear. I heard that they wanted to do a Prince theme, but he didn't want to work with the contestants. I don't blame him--I don't think I want any of Pickler's random hugs, either. He's singing stuff I've never heard--must be the new stuff. Too bad; I was hoping for "Little Red Corvette". His background singers? Big on the pretty, skinny on the talent. Oh, I get it--it's an Ace analogy!


Oh, we're back, and Taylor and Katharine are singing "Time of My Life"! Could I be happier? Well, yes. If it was Taylor and Chris. But, let's bygone be bygones and talk about Kat's dress. Y'all. The thing has wings! Wings! I am not lying! It's champagne satin and white lace, and it looks like one of Carol Brady's nightgown. It's so sad to think that she paid actual money for that. The duet itself is not half -bad, and it looks like Taylor and Katharine have just resigned themselves to the fact that this IS a cheesy song from a guilty pleasure movie, so they just have fun and go with it.

And our winner? Of course, it's Taylor Hicks--the third winner of American Idol to have never been in the Bottom Three. Consequently, these contestants have also been the show's biggest sellers. So, I can't wait to buy his album.

Aww, he's so touched. I think he's crying. Not going crazy at all like I expected. Of course, when Ryan asks him if he has anything to say, he belts out, "SOOOOOUUULLLL PAAAATROOOOLLL!!!" because he knows that will be last time he gets to say it on national television. When he sings his (pretty good, not very cheesy) coronation song, he stops midway to thank his fellow contestants. What a gracious winner he is.


It's been fun, y'all! Toodles!


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