Here we are in week two and as I sat down in my recliner with Cathryn to watch the show, I began to think. Am I too hard on the contestants? Is it that I just like who I like and find fault with all the rest? So I resolved myself to really listen to the contestants tonight, and not just gloss over the ones that don't appeal to me. Well, you know, except Brenna.
Ryan introduces the ladies, and my first impression is that with the exception of Kinnick (who's wearing a pink bustier, camo pants, denim jacket, crazy boots, and a cowboy hat) and the top knots on Mandisa's and Paris's heads, everyone looks fabulous tonight. On with the show!
First up is Katharine, and she's singing Stevie Wonder's "All is Fair". Her voice is so rich and wonderful, like a cup of coffee. Her mama really taught her well. Wait a sec...is she wearing bike shorts with that halter top? Oh, dear, sweet Katharine. I guess mama didn't teach you that well, apparently. Her performance is pretty boring, and has way to many Mariah Careyisms for my taste. I hesitate to say, actually, that if I had not written down what she sang, I would remember nothing about this song or her performance except that Katharine was really pretty and was wearing bike shorts.
Next is Kinnick, and I think she has the coolest name ever and is absolutely tiny. That bustier really shows off that tiny waist of hers. Also, she tells Ryan tonight that since she's originally from Columbia, SC, she's going to sing a country song. "Here For The Party" by Gretchen Wilson, to be exact. I kind of like Kinnick, and if she does well, I think I'll vote for her. Oh, dear. This is a bad, bad performance. She's like, screaming the song and prancing around the stage like a pony. As I watch this, my mouth is agape in horror. Oh, dear Kinnick. You shall not get my vote tonight. I fear that you will be going home instead.
Third is Lisa Tucker, and I'm really trying to give her a blank slate, but she's just too polished and perfect. There is nothing real about her, and then she starts to pimp herself about how she was 10 and in the Lion King and performing for 2700 people a night and not scared, and blah, blah, blah, frickety-doo-dah. She singing The Jackson Five's "Who's Loving You", and I am just not impressed. Could it be that I know that she was on the revamped Star Search Junior Division, and that I think she's just a big famewhore? I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
On to Melissa McGhee, who's oh-so-pageant with her perfect teeth and poise and whatever (and I know I am going to get so blasted for that remark!), and she's singing Reba McEntire's "Why Haven't I?". And I don't know why girls want to wear their pants that low, because girlfriend has this gorgeous hourglass figure, but her pants are so low that they're giving her the appearance of a tummy that bubbling over the pants. Not good, Melissa. Do you really want to be compared to Jessica Sierra from last year's competition? Anyway, she does a pretty good job with the performance, and her voice has this really smoky quality to it, which even makes listening to a Reba song bearable.
Commercials. Commercials. Oh! Commercials for spring clothes! I am so excited for spring to come, and the clothes in this commercial are so smart and pretty. Of course, the spring line for clothes that fit me (from Lane Bryant) are all about making me look like a fat hippie, and really, who wants that?
Ok. So we're back, and wow...Heather Cox is really pretty tonight! Of course, I really shouldn't say that because when she talks she reminds me of my former sister-in-law, so I really should say that Heather looks like a vapid whore tonight. But alas, she doesn't. She actually looks pretty. She singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey and it really shows off her voice, overcoming last week's fiasco that was the American Idol Tsunami single, and proving to me why she's in the Top 24 since we haven't seen anything from her all season long.
Blech. It's Brenna Gethers, and mercifully the phone rings, sparing me the pain of hearing her sing "Last Dance" by Donna Summer. On principle, I hated her performance, even though I didn't see it.
No, please no. Please tell me that Paris did not just say she was going to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings", the sappiest and most boring song known to mankind? Paris, baby! You sang Gladys Knight last week! Certainly you can find something more varied than this dreck to sing. Even Ryan asks her why, out of the 100s of songs that they can choose from, did she pick this one? Her answer? Her great-grandmother likes it. There's your problem, sweet cheeks.
Number Eight is Ayla Brown, who is growing on me. She's slightly becoming less of a robot and more of a human, especially since I've been thinking of he song choice from last week. Because isn't "Reflection" from Mulan a cry for people to see who she really is? Methinks there's some teen angst hiding behind that polished exterior. When she sings "I Want You to Need Me" by Celine Dion, I am blown away. She was absolutely great. Wow...she is so getting my vote tonight!
Commercials. Oooohhhh.....Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash....mmmm.....wait, where am I?
Just woke up in time to hear American Idol's answer to Chrissy Snow, Kellie Pickler, go on and on again about how she's so fricking naive and have never seen anything or done anything in her whole life. I kind of black out, from banging my head on the coffee table because please God make it go away!!!!!! then wake up to hear her sing "Something to Talk About" by the great Bonnie Raitt. Hmmm. Something is not right here, and I smell conspiracy. Something about The Pick onstage is very knowing, like she knows she's giving us something to talk about, a little mystery of our own to figure out. Because can someone really be that sheltered when there's a Sonic for her to roller-skate around? I mean, if she's really never seen or done anything in her poor, pathetic life, then I'm surprised she's heard of American Idol, or television, or music for that matter. But she very knowingly flips her hair just so and looks directly into the camera. During the "judging", she's talking to Ryan about how she's afraid that she'll fall out of her shoes. Did she borrow those shoes from Katharine McPhee? How does she know that platform wedges are all the rage in fashion right now if she's so darn sheltered. She's from Mayberry, and I bet they don't have a supermarket that sells Cosmo or InStyle or Glamour. They buy their groceries from Howard's Market. My ire doth grow tremendously.
And finally is Mandisa, whom I've said can do no wrong. Boy, was I wrong. She's singing "Cry" by Faith Hill, and I think I just might. Oh, Mandy, Mandy, what have you done? The final blow? Paula tells her that she "has a beautiful face". Doesn't Paula know that's what everyone says to and about big girls? I want to punch Paula, because Mandisa has already said her weight is a major source of suffering for her. Shut up, drunk Paula.
Well, that episode was completely disappointing, but I did vote for:
Ayla and Heather (because they were great), and Mandisa, Katharine, and Paris (because they have been great).
Boys tonight at 8! Toodles!