American Idol, Season 9, Episode 5: Los Angeles Auditions

Four thoughts about last night's episode, and I'm not even five minutes in:

1. Is that a dress or a top that Kara's wearing? I love that color. I love the cut. I totally want it. Where could I wear something like that?

2. Simon Cowell is completely awesome.

3. Oh, sheesh, Avril Lavigne. Why is she at the Los Angeles auditions? Isn't she Canadian? Plus, she only has, like ONE good song--"I Don't Like Your Girlfriend". Most of the time, I just really want to punch her.

4. Gee, that dude is both sweaty AND obnoxious.

Before I get into discussing Neil Goldstein (henceforth known as Sweatmeister, because I can't actually be sure if I'm getting his name correct), I want to talk about the editing of this show. Did anyone else notice the extreme difference in Sweatmeister's looks in the various clips that were shown of him auditioning? In half the clips, he's thin with long hair. In the other half, he's got shorter hair and has appeared to gain some weight. Now, I know that there is a time gap between the original cattle call and the callback when contestants actually get to see the judges , but would one really have that big a change in such a short amount of time? Maybe it's glandular. Anyway, I also saw Katy Perry several times when it was supposed to be Avril's day, Day One. Oh, American Idol powers that be, there were some serious technical issues tonight!

I wonder if Seacrest knew about this? Seacrest has the power to change things.

And now, onto the discussion of the first contestant, Sweatmeister. I have no problem with people who are smarter than me. I also don't have any real problem with Meatloaf, or his music. I do, however, have a big problem with people who act obnoxiously and THEN have sounds coming out of their mouth like a goat impersonating Meatloaf. Meatloaf has been on Idol before, and I'm pretty sure he was upset about that audition. And also, for the love of Pete, don't argue with Simon. You're just going to get your feelings hurt, and then you will be escorted out by security. I can see it now--on finale night, there will be a montage of all the people who were asked to leave by the security guards.

Avril Lavigne definitely gets my vote for worst guest judge of the audition season. That's right, Shania Twain was a better judge than Avril Lavigne was at the Los Angeles auditions. She is such a punk, and not in the good way, the awesome Sid Vicious way. Oh, sure, she thinks she's all hardcore, but really, she's just bubblegum with heavy black eyeliner. Cathryn is more hardcore than Avril Lavigne, and would definitely be a better judge. Everything about this girl (Avril, not Cathryn) says 'immature child' to me. And also, hypocrite. She says no to the extremely talented worship pastor who writes his own music because he's married and has three kids? Are you going to say no to everyone who has a family?

Apparently not, because then you turned around and said yes to the second-rate Pat Benetar wannabe who may or may not be dating a Billy-Corrigan-of-the-Smashing-Pumpkins impersonator, who is also a single mom. Please explain yourself, Avril. Your reason for not letting Worship Pastor through was because he'd have to leave his family? Um, what about Faux Pat Benetar? She's going to have to leave her family, if you subscribe to Avril's skewed logic. Guess she never heard of artists taking their families on the road with them. Sheesh.

Oh, wait. I was so blind! How could I miss the answer? OF COURSE Avril wanted FauxBenetar to make it through! Avril, who has the emotional range of a teaspoon (thanks, Hermione), doesn't get Worship Pastor's authenticity and sincerity, but totally identifies with FauxBenetar's heavy black eyeliner and poser costume. It's all so clear now.

At least we didn't have to deal with an entire hour of her. Thankfully for Day Two, we were treated to Katy Perry, and I immediately was alternately jealous and in love with her hair and dress. Bravo, American Idol stylists! You were spot on in Los Angeles!

Katy was a good choice for a guest judging spot in Los Angeles, seeing as how she is a current performer and is from California. That's how it is with American Idol--you win some, you lose some. We found out tonight that Katy has a bit of a sharp tongue and can be quite catty. Kind of like a female Simon, but with a better wardrobe. I kind of liked the friction between her and Kara. Kara's got quite a temper, doesn't she? It's nice to see that come out once and while, to remind us that everything's not always unicorns and rainbows.

With the great auditions in Boston, I had high hopes for Season Nine. High hopes for a string of good auditions, anyway. Los Angeles should have brought out lots of talent, since that's where so many people go to be 'discovered'. It should have been so easy for the producers to just put on many more musicians and singers, but no. We got Sweatmeister, FauxBenetar, and let us not forget Mr. "I Touch Myself". What a joke. I am so ready for the auditions to be over. Let's get on to Hollywood week, and watch some people backstab, talk about each other behind their backs, and cry! That's when the real drama begins!

Tonight, we're on to Dallas--if we're not pre-empted by the State of the Union address. Guest judges Joe Jonas (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, that was Cathryn squealing. Hope she didn't deafen you.) and Neil Patrick Harris. (EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Oh, sorry. That was me. DOOOOOOGIEEEEE!!!!)

Toodles!