AI Season Premiere: Minneapolis, MN 01/16/2007

Oh. My. God. Y'all. I am so excited that our favorite cheesy television show has returned. As we know, nothing gets cheesier than the audition episodes, where we are served 100% Grade A American Cheese.

The show opens, as it does every third Tuesday in January, with a quick recap of the Finale, Ryan Seacrest telling us in voiceover what a phenomenon the show is, how awesome every Top Ten contestant is (oh, hello, Chris....*goofy grin*), and, of course, that more contestants than ever auditioned. It's time for the triumph, the disappointment, the journey from 100,000 to 1. Who will be the next AMERICAN IDOL...and OMG is that girl literally having an orgasm onstage? I'll have what she's having.

So here we are in Minneapolis, MN, where 10,000 auditioned. Our guest judge is Jewel, whose connection is that she also only goes by one name? I thought she was from Alaska. Or a van? And isn't she on Nashville Star? I smell conflict of interest. Maybe this was before the contracts were signed.

We get some backstory on Jessica, which makes me wonder if she will make it. I'd be pretty happy if they actually opened the show with someone making it though to Hollywood. That's a nice, positive message to send, and who am I kidding? I've been watching this show since Season Two and we all know what the audition rounds are for. Sheer humiliation, and we all saw her crying in the opening. And naturally, she's going to sing Jewel. And not just any Jewel, but my FAVORITE Jewel song, "You Were Meant For Me". Seriously, my dog could sing it better. It's like Jessica is doing an impression of Cher singing a Jewel song. Richie and I cringe in unison. Bye-bye, crying-Jewel-stalker Jessica.

Ryan asks: "Will minneapolis deliver talent or torture?" Hmmm. Seeing as how the first auditioner up after that question is an Amish dude, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess "torture". And I am so, so right. The torture! The pain! A string of bad performances! Le sigh. You know, I get so excited for this show. I start counting down the days, the hours, the minutes, and then they just shove these bad performances in my face. Why, AMERICAN IDOL, do you do this to me? WHY? You're like a bad boyfriend, you know that? You build me up, then let me down, and treat me so wrong, but you won't change because you know I'll never leave. I hate myself for loving you, American Idol. I can't break free of the things that you do. I want to walk but I run back to you. That's why I hate myself for loving you.

Oooh ooh ooh! Our first sob story! That mean we've got our first contestant to make it to Hollywood. Denise Jackson, 16, singing Jennifer Holliday. I wonder how many more times we'll have to hear that her mother is struggling with addiction? Her voice is good--needs a little refining, needs to shout a little less. But we'll see.

I do want to talk about Jewel and how awesome she is tonight. She's all business, and has valid opinions and offers constructive criticism, which I love. And yet she's still all prissy and upbeat and beautiful. Well played, Jewel. That performance might just make me watch Nashville Star. Maybe.

What about Simon and the "look of lust" when Shakira, Jr. walked into the room? He was practically salivating over her, and you could see him undressing her with his eyes. He could wait to put her through to Hollywood. Sheesh, Simon. Quit being such a dirty old man. People will start to make Paula comparisons.

I can't make up my mind about Jarrod Fowler, an officer on the USS Ronald Reagan. He seemed nice enough, and sure, he had a nice voice, but he just seemed so, I don't know. Bland, I guess. I don't see him making it to the Top 24 unless he really improves.

Like Jewel, I really wanted Dana (whose boss flew her in to Minneapolis) to be good. She was pretty, and seemed very upbeat and happy. But that Chaka Khan song was not for her. She was staring at her boss while singing "Fever", and I have to say that it really looks like she has a thing for him. Creepy.

I am relieved that the producers threw us a bone and decided to let us see some actual singers, like Rachel ("His Eye Is On The Sparrow") and Sara ("Somewhere Over The Rainbow). But gosh, they love those long interviews with the baddies, don't they?

Ugh, ugh, ugh. The big group sing. It's so fake, and so unoriginal. I mean, we all know they're told to sing that song the day before! I mean, it's clearly for the bad singers montage. 'Scuse me while I wretch.

Dear Josh, Thou Shalt Not Use The Name of Chris Daughtry in Vain. kthxbye, Josie.

Did anyone else find Simon tolerable tonight? Wow. Guess contract negotiations went REALLY well last season.

It was fun tonight, kiddies! I know the recap was kinf clunky, but really, aren't we all just killing time until the Top 24, anyway? Can't for Seattle (sadly, no McDreamy), and Catfish Boy (tm Richie) tomorrow at 8!